No Matter What

Just heard this song via a few friends and has come at a very good time. We have some very close friends (here and there) and even family going thru different struggles and heartache. The lyrics are so well put. No matter what, I pray that I don't ever stop realizing my need for Christ.

Lately I've been thinking and analyzing a few things and I'm not quite sure how to put this into words, but I'll give it a try. I do not want to make it sound like "I've made it" or that I don't struggle with worry any more... it's just that I can see God working on me and He's not finished yet :-)

There was a time when I took a problem (be it mine, a family members, or a close friends) and just let it consume me. Oh how I would worry about the person, the illness, or the situation, how it was being dealt with, what people thought of this or that, or even thought of me. I'd make myself sick with worry and even lose sleep some nights. All the while knowing I was sinning with my worry and trying to "fix" things myself. My worrying was not getting me anywhere and it was not giving God any glory... my actions were telling anyone watching me that I didn't really trust God and His ways. I cringe at some of the memories of how poorly I've reacted to some of the refining God has put us thru.

I'm not overly sure when it happened. But I started noticing around the time of our last miscarriage that God is really all I need. Maybe it became more obvious to me that people were watching how Danny & I dealt with that heartache... and I really wanted them to see why we were making it thru this struggle. Maybe I was tired of using my own strength to "fix" things. Maybe I was seeing how much I mess things up when I take control over a situation. Maybe it was realizing that Danny & I had gone thru so many changes, adventures, struggles, joys, heartache, stresses and all we had was God. We didn't have our families here in Austria with us when things went wrong. We didn't have a church family to worship with on those hard days. So many maybe's and what if's.... I don't know how or when it happened, but I'm grateful to a God who gives me chance after chance and still loves me, shows me mercy, and gives grace on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. He really has been all we need. Sadly, it took some time to really, truly put all we have in His hands and let it stay there. I'm not saying I never have or never will have a lapse in trust, but let's just say that I've seen enough of God's handiwork that I know He's waaaay better at His job than I am :)

When we were wondering how the money for our visas was going to work out I really had no issues with worry (it was a shocking realization for me) because there was no way I had that amount sitting in a bank account :) If God wanted us here, I knew He would have a plan to keep us here.

When my kids have been sick and have had hospital stays... I certainly couldn't just snap my fingers and make them well again. So as stressful as it was and my tears of exhaustion and some temper tantrums to God... I had to take my grip off my kids and leave them in the only Hands that could heal them.

I could go on and on about how God has sustained us, but I think you get the idea. Danny has a plaque and I love what it says (not sure of author):

O God, I'm not where I want to be; I'm not even where I think I should be. But thank you Lord, I'm not where I used to be.

-krista-